When you question even the meaning of your existence
Just imagine, you wake up one day, you are completely healthy and balanced and you don’t remember anyone from your past and anything that happened to you until this moment.
Would you question your value?
Would you question your feelings?
Would you spend your precious time torturing yourself with different thoughts?
I probably wouldn’t, as I would have no experience being with someone in a relationship where I would even question my feelings or just who I am. However, this is no longer a rare phenomenon when it comes to so-called Gaslighting.
Why Is It Called Gaslighting?
The term “gaslighting” comes from the British play Gas Light and the subsequent 1944 movie Gaslight, a mystery-thriller in which a man slowly tricks and manipulates his wife into doubting her own perceptions and coming to believe she is losing her mind; his goal is to have her committed to a mental institution so that he can gain power of attorney over her.
Experiencing gaslighting is confusing, frustrating, and sometimes even traumatizing, but it’s especially damaging when it comes from your parents or from your partner or often from both of them.
Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse in relationships. It happens when one person convinces their target that they’re remembering things wrong or that they’re misinterpreting events. The gaslighter is trying to manipulate the other person and presents their own thoughts and feelings as the truth.
The victims on the other side feel that they lose their sense and try to find different ways to explain their feelings and make the counterpart awake that they are suffering. But as they’ve lived in a similar situation from their childhood, victims will not achieve their goals with the same strategy they have been using. Whenever they try to excuse themselves or try to question the situation they are immediately falling into their old patterns and freeze.
The game continues as it has been run by the dominant party.
Am I being Gaslighted?
If your relationship is a one-way street in which your opinions are invalid, your feelings are characterized as incorrect, and your beliefs are constantly called into question, these are strong indicators you are being gaslighted. You feel tired and exhausted, because all your energy is being drained by your partner, who needs it to maintain control over you.
Some signs that might indicate that someone is Gaslighting you:
- you doubt and questions your feelings and emotions
- you feel alone with your feelings
- you shame your weakness in front of others
- you are afraid expressing your real emotions
- you feel confused and weak
- you end up apologizing or look for the attention of your partner
- you feel that you are dependent on your person
- you defend the behavior of the Gaslighter
- you believe in the negative things you hear from the Gaslighter
What do you hear from a Gaslighter?
- I didn’t say that.
- Did you talk about me?
- You are always too emotional.
- I can’t even joke with you, right?
- I was there and I did it right.
- I don’t know what you are talking about.
- You are just overreacting.
- I have enough from this drama.
- If I am such a bad person, why are you still with me?
- Nothing, as they give you the silent treatment.
The silent treatment is such a form of gaslighting it makes you feel crazy for wanting the other person to talk and so hard to control yourself from yelling and begging them to talk.
How Gaslighting affects your relationship with your partner:
To understand the negative impact of gaslighting on a relationship, it’s important to first understand the characteristics of a healthy relationship, which include trust, honesty, intimacy, and compromise. Above all, a healthy relationship is supportive and growth oriented. In order to foster this emotional growth, both partners must have genuine respect for each other.
When two people mutually respect each other, they are vested in pro-relationship behaviors like acceptance, forgiveness, and a commitment to working through conflict in ways that honor the feelings of each partner.
However, someone who gaslights is invested in the opposite behaviors: dishonesty, manipulation, and dominance—in other words, the complete destruction of trust and intimacy. Being gaslighted causes incredible stress and can lead to depression and other mental health issues.
The only chance left for the suffering individual is to break THEIR old patterns themselves.
It requires CONSCIOUSNESS, great MENTAL STRENGTH and COURAGE.
I MUST GO SO THAT I CAN COME AGAIN.
This sentence was born in me when I was once faced with a big decision. These words have always accompanied me ever since when I needed to look at my dilemma from another perspective. As time passed, whenever I started to question the validity of my feelings, I redirected my focus from the outer world back to my inner world seeking to understand and mend the familiar pattern.
What do I mean when I say that change from a victim’s perspective requires
consciousness?
- you see the familiar pattern
- you are able to identify the game between the two of you
- you are ready to face your part in the situation
- you manage to accept that you are exactly there where you are at the moment
- it means that you are in the present moment and able to observe what is going on
What is the role of great mental strength in changing the pattern?
- you are not just conscious but regained most of your energy for the change
- you are able to validate yourself and feel your true value
- you can identify it quickly if you fall back and able to pull yourself out from the situation that no longer serves you
- you established an enormous self love, self esteem and self acceptance to see and accept your strength and weaknesses
- you are able to forgive yourself to be part of this game for so long and look into the future
How does courage contribute to your success, changing your personality to achieve a different personal reality?
- you are ready to be independent even if you have to face losing your old self
- you can ask for support
- you are able to jump into the unknown
- you are capable to take initiative to distract the pattern
- you stay by you and your feelings, no matter what
Some strategies what you can follow in your relationship where gaslighting is a regular occurrence:
Where gaslighting happens, it can take a great deal of self-control to avoid arguing the point. Remember, in that moment, you cannot convince someone who’s trying to gaslight you that he or she is wrong. To avoid getting embroiled in a power struggle, it helps to have some good conversation-stoppers handy, such as “I don’t feel heard and I don’t like where this conversation is going, let’s talk about this another time.”
For your own well-being, always focus on your feelings, instead of who’s right or wrong.
Journaling your emotions about the interactions between you and the gaslighter may help you to identify and follow the same patterns. The goal is to get back into the practice of defining your own reality. Be compassionate toward yourself. Accept and acknowledge that what you feel is okay.
If you resonate with this topic and you think you are being gaslit, speak up about your concerns with someone you trust. Sharing your experiences outside of the relationship is key to getting some perspective and having the support of other people will increase your confidence to stand up for yourself.
Written by: Agnes Szabo
Transformational coach, life coach and autogenic training therapist
