Who needs support?
If there’s alcoholism or any other addiction in the family, it’s not just the affected individuals who need help, but the entire family does! Let’s look at what it’s like to experience alcoholism from a child’s perspective…
Those who have experienced the damages caused by alcohol in their family during childhood may start their own lives with a “wound” that can have long-term effects into adulthood. Becoming aware of this is the first step in helping a child to become a healthy adult.
Children don’t understand why a parent keeps reaching for the glass. It should not be their responsibility to question the parent, or assist them in overcoming daily struggles. They simply want to be children, just like any other around them.
Always in standby mode
For a child with at least one alcoholic or otherwise unstable parent, has almost no chance of experiencing a normal childhood. They live in a constant state of readiness – “standby mode” as I call it -, which in many ways matures them into “adults” much earlier than their minds and emotional development require. This constant state of readiness leads to generalized anxiety and fear, similar to what the alcoholic parent likely experiences and can’t manage, hence they drown their sorrows in alcohol.
Inherited or merely a stress coping strategy?
It’s often heard that an alcoholic has a tendency to alcoholism because their parents drank. We even internalize this, believing it’s inherited.
However, it could be that they’re adopting the family’s “stress coping strategy”. Generally speaking, those who resort to alcohol consumption or any other excessive addiction to alleviate their troubles, fears, or low self-esteem lack individual responsibility and tend to externalize their problems. This compels the parent to resort to this coping mechanism. Though they may feel ashamed afterward, knowing the harm their behavior inflicts on others, sadly, they don’t know any other way to relieve their anxiety, so they reach for the glass again.
Uncertainty and vulnerability
This vicious cycle is what a child experiences when living with an alcoholic, thus adopting a standby mode which they automatically develop. One thing is certain: they never feel safe in the presence of their alcoholic parents. In reality, every day they live in uncertainty and vulnerability, lacking harmony and predictability within the family. The child often wishes they could be invisible or rebels, and they even worry someone might expose the family secret.
Meanwhile, they love their parents, just as they are despite their difficulties.
These kids suffer because they feel unable to help, and the biggest problem is that neither parent can help them, as they themselves can’t find a way out of this family dynamic and are preoccupied with their own problems. They don’t see the situation from the kid’s perspective, can’t empathize with their emotional world, thus they can’t grasp the future implications of the present situation.
What remains? The standby mode, continuous uncertainty, and the sense of shame.
And how do these children behave when they grow up?
They OVERCOMPENSATE.
They are afraid to be weak or to be seen as weak, so they OVERCOMPENSATE. Generally, we see that compensation, the pressure to meet others’ expectations, controlling situations and perfectionism support their deeply rooted beliefs that “I’m not enough just as I am.”. They always have to DO something to be acknowledged, just for who they are, as they feel unlovable and unworthy.
It’s also possible that these children, as adults, choose alcohol themselves as a stress coping strategy, or conversely, they abhor alcohol. If these young adults don’t realize that their current behavior is due to what they experienced in childhood, and if they don’t undergo inner work, besides alcohol, they may seek solace in other addictions. This can manifest as codependency, developing strong control mechanisms, complete detachment from attachment, or people pleasing attitude.
And what can be done to change the present and the future?
First of all, you need to be able to recognise the family behavior patterns. Following this, it is important to understand and accept what actually happened and what could not happen. From there, once we are fully aware of what happened, it is our own responsibility to decide how we want to live our lives.
Forgive your parent, forgive yourself. Forgiveness allows renewel.
You can’t go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending.
How you can forgive your parents of caregiver for their behavior:
- Never wait for an apology: remember, it’s never about them, it’s about you
- Learn the difference between forgetting and forgiveness: forgiveness is your choice that involves processing painful feelings so that you can let them go and take care of your own health, wellness, and prosperity
- Look at this experience as a motivation: you can become a better person as your parents were and able to support others to overcome their difficulties
- Remember, you are never alone with your feelings: addiction issues are common diseases, ask for support
Whenever you feel stuck and want to regain momentum so that the past no longer holds you back, embrace the present moment and focus on who you truly are…
If similar things have happened to you and you want support to:
- understand what happened within you as child,
- love and value yourself,
- look at what you’ve been experienced in a differently way and see what you have become more,
- feel what you have gained from this situation and how you could profit from this,
- take responsibility for your own emotional life…
…I’m happy to listen and support you.
I can take you until the limit of my competence, which is the point where I feel you’re still in good hands with me, and with the energetic cooperation I provide, you can continue your journey on your own path.
Let’s see together what you can already do for yourself to feel better TODAY!
Written by: Agnes Szabo
Transformational coach, life coach and autogenic training therapist
