Why it happens and how to regain inner balance
Have you ever found yourself snapping at someone over something small, bursting into tears unexpectedly, or feeling utterly overwhelmed by a situation that — objectively — didn’t seem that serious? Most of us have. Overreacting isn’t a flaw or a failure; it’s a signal. A message from within that something in us is being deeply triggered — usually beyond the surface of the moment.
In this blog post, we’ll explore what causes overreactions, how our nervous system plays a role, why it’s important to take a step back, and how you can begin to neutralise that surge of emotional energy when it hits. We’ll also introduce a practical self-inquiry tool — Byron Katie’s “The Work” — to help you shift perspective and return to clarity. And to bring this to life, you’ll meet Katie, a coaching client who transformed the way she responded to overwhelm.
Why do we overreact?
An overreaction is essentially a mismatch between a stimulus and our emotional response. It’s when the response is too intense for what’s actually happening. This isn’t about judgment — it’s about awareness. The reason we overreact often has very little to do with the moment at hand.
Instead, the current situation taps into something older — a wound, a fear, or a belief we’ve carried for a long time. When someone ignores our message, we don’t just feel brushed off; we feel invisible, abandoned, or rejected — because once, maybe long ago, being ignored was deeply painful.
These emotional “time machines” get activated by current events, pulling us back into old feelings. That’s when we go from calm to reactive in seconds. The result? We say or do things we later regret, and we feel drained and disconnected from our true selves.
Overreacting: What is going on in our nervous system ?
When we overreact, it’s often because our nervous system has flipped into survival mode — fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. The part of the brain that assesses danger (the amygdala) doesn’t distinguish well between real, physical threats and emotional discomfort. To it, being excluded from a group chat can feel as dangerous as being left behind in the jungle.
Here’s how it works:
- Fight might look like shouting, defending yourself harshly, or blaming others.
- Flight could be withdrawing, avoiding conversations, or needing to leave immediately.
- Freeze may show up as mental blankness, numbness, or not knowing what to say.
- Fawn might involve people-pleasing, over-apologising, or trying to quickly “fix” things to feel safe again.
These responses are not conscious choices — they’re physiological patterns wired to keep us safe. But when we’re constantly living from these modes, our relationships and inner peace suffer.
What it’s important to take a step back?
When we’re overwhelmed, the worst thing we can do is push through without awareness. That’s like trying to calm a fire by adding fuel. Taking a pause allows us to reconnect with the thinking part of our brain — the prefrontal cortex — so we can respond with wisdom instead of reacting from pain.
Stepping back isn’t about avoidance. It’s about creating space. Space to breathe, to feel what’s really going on, and to choose a conscious response. This is where real growth happens.
How to neutralise the energy inside?
Here are three simple steps to begin shifting the energy of an overreaction:
1. Pause and breathe
The moment you notice the surge — stop. Take three deep, slow breaths. This signals your nervous system that you are safe. Feel your feet on the ground, your body in space. This helps anchor you in the present.
2. Name what you’re feeling
Instead of resisting or suppressing it, simply say: “I feel angry/sad/hurt/scared.” Naming the emotion engages your rational brain and reduces the intensity.
3. Drop into the body
Close your eyes. Where in your body do you feel the energy? Your chest? Throat? Belly? Place a gentle hand there. Breathe into that spot and allow it to be — without judgment. This softens the charge.
Over time, these micro-moments of awareness start rewiring how you respond.
A powerful tool: Byron Katie’s 4 questions
When you’re ready, you can go deeper with a beautiful method of inquiry called “The Work” by Byron Katie. It’s based on asking four questions that help loosen the grip of reactive thoughts. Here’s how it works:
Let’s say the thought is: “She doesn’t care about me.”
Ask yourself:
1. Is it true?
Yes or no. Be honest.
2. Can you absolutely know it’s true?
Often, we realise we’ve assumed something without proof.
3. How do you react — what happens — when you believe that thought?
Notice your physical sensations, emotions, and behaviours.
4. Who would you be without the thought?
Feel into the version of you that doesn’t carry that belief. How does it change things?, emotions, and behaviours.
Then, you turn the thought around to its opposites:
“She does care about me.”
“I don’t care about me.”
“I don’t care about her.”
Try each one and see if it holds a truth — even a little. This can unlock deep clarity.
A client story: Tina’s shift from overreacting to inner peace
Tina, a client I worked with recently, came to me feeling deeply unsettled. She had just returned to work after a sabbatical and felt overwhelmed by everything — the emails, the meetings, the sudden demands. When her manager asked her to review a report she wasn’t responsible for, she snapped: “Why is everything always on me?”
Afterward, she felt ashamed. “I totally overreacted,” she said. “He didn’t even mean it like that.”
We began exploring what had been triggered in her. As we traced her reaction, tears welled up. “I always feel like I have to prove myself… or I’ll be replaced.” It turned out this was an old wound — from her first job, where she had been let go without warning. Her body still carried that fear.
We walked through the Byron Katie questions together with the thought: “He doesn’t value me.”
- Is it true?
“Yes… maybe.” - Can you absolutely know it’s true?
“No. He actually complimented me last week.” - How do you react when you believe that thought?
“I get tense, defensive, and I feel like a failure.” - Who would you be without the thought?
“Calm. I’d probably just ask for clarity and move on.”
The turnarounds were powerful for her:
- “He does value me.”
- “I don’t value myself in that moment.”
- “I don’t value him.”
Tina realised that her pain wasn’t about the report — it was about old, unprocessed fear. With this awareness, she began taking small steps: breathing before meetings, clarifying expectations instead of assuming, and journaling her triggers instead of overreacting immediately.
Three months later, she shared that she felt like a different person. “I still get overwhelmed,” she said, “but I don’t become the overwhelm anymore. I stay me.”
Overreacting isn’t a weakness
It’s a signal. A chance to slow down and tend to something inside that needs care. When we understand what’s happening in our nervous system, we stop blaming ourselves and start supporting ourselves. Through simple somatic tools and self-inquiry practices like Byron Katie’s method, we create inner space. And in that space, we find freedom.
So next time you feel that emotional surge, remember: it’s not about controlling the reaction. It’s about getting curious. What’s underneath it? What needs to be seen, felt, and loved?
That’s the path — not to perfection, but to presence.
You can practice The Work — the four-question exercise by Byron Katie — anytime you’re feeling emotionally charged or reactive. It’s a simple yet deeply transformative way to investigate your thoughts and neutralise the emotional energy behind them. Over time, it helps you return to clarity, calm, and compassion — both toward yourself and others.
If you find it difficult to apply on your own, know that you don’t have to do it alone. I’m here to support you. Together, we can anchor this method into your daily life and make it a powerful tool you can use for the rest of your journey.
